From Christian to Atheist: My Deconversion Story (2)

Even though I considered myself a devout follower of Christ, I was never fully comfortable with some of the more controversial aspects of my religion.  For instance, I recall attending a youth revival event at a local affiliate church where the host pastor made a reference to the victims of Hurricane Katrina.  "God judged the people of New Orleans because they have sinned and turned away from the Lord," he said, "will you give your life to the Lord tonight and become a witness to the world?"  As a chorus of "Amen" spread through the congregation in unison, I could not help but pause in shock.  Hadn't Jesus told us to be compassionate and love both our neighbors and enemies?  The correct approach, it seemed, was to first provide humanitarian assistance to the people whose lives had been devastated by the deadly storm.  Surely that would be the more moral approach to evangelism than telling people they deserved to get swept away in a flood!  Noah's flood was repeating itself in modern times.  My maternal grandmother, who was one of the most loving and caring women in the world, was not a Christian when she passed away.  Mom tried to cope with her death, convincing herself that her mother was in heaven because uncle's family had taken her to Catholic Mass (Mom's mistrust of Catholicism seemed to fade away temporarily at this crucial moment) before the final moments.  I wasn't so confident;  did Grandma deserve to burn in hell, too?  

• Tip of the iceberg 

I was still nevertheless strong in my faith despite the occasional episodes of doubt when a life-changing event occurred in the December of 2006.  Sitting in an online literary magazine class in high school and reading through classmates' entries on the computer screen, I suddenly stopped upon finding a particular article.  A girl (let's call her K) in my class had recently lost her father after years of illness and was apparently trying to find ways to cope with his death.  Even though she had grown up a nonbeliever, she wrote, a part of her deeply wanted to believe in some sort of afterlife and find solace.  She reached out in desperation through her writing and asked if anyone would be willing to share their spiritual perspectives.  I felt a jolt of compassion and felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me.  "Witness to this girl," the internal voice in my head said, "and bring her peace."  Here are excerpts from an email correspondence between K and me:


K:  I have a quote from a book that I like and it's "Everyone half hopes that there's a Heaven so that they don't have to be scared of Hell." I want to believe that it's out there. I just don't know what to do to convince myself. Dying right now and seeing [first]hand isn't really an option and I don't want to think about my dad suffering through [eternal] damnation. I don't think anyone ever wants to really think about that.

I guess what I really [am] trying to say is this is a case of a nonbeliever trying to find reason to believe. I'm not a nonbeliever by choice; I was, well, born into it. I just flat out don't know where to start.   

Me:  ...I can relate with the quote that you mentioned.  I've heard from somewhere that "There aren't any nonbelievers in the trenches where bullets are flying over your head...Everyone prays to a 'god'...

John 3:16 says that "God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." God loved you and me enough to send His son to pay the ultimate price for our sins: The death on the cross...

Christianity preaches that people need Jesus because men do not stand a chance to attain salvation on their own.  Many religions are men's attempts to "reach God." Muslims trim their beards to a certain length and pray dutifully each day.  Hindus need to do good things so that karma doesn't come back to haunt them. People do these things so that they might somehow be at a better position for a better end.  But Christianity is different in that "God is reaching to Man" to give him salvation.  Though I grew up reading the Bible and listening to sermons about Jesus, I tried so hard to be "good."  I wanted to feel "good" by being kind; I tried to be loving to those who tried my patience; I volunteered for different church activities; I imposed on myself a set of "Do's and Don't's."   But something was missing.  After much struggle, God granted me a divine epiphany.  It was not about doing the "good" things to be saved; I was, am, and will be, never good enough.  Jesus died on the cross so that I didn't have to do all those things.  The penalties for all the evil that I would do had already been paid for by the blood of Christ.  Only by surrendering myself completely to the power of the cross could I finally find peace within.  C.S. Lewis sums it up perfectly:  "We do good things because we are saved, not in order to be saved."

Ultimately, God did all that He did because He loves you that much.  You are God's precious child who is worth getting nailed onto two pieces of wood that was designed to punish criminals.  You might not be able to fully comprehend His love for you at this moment but He will continue to run after you.  I am writing this email right now because I believe that God is calling me to share His love with you.  He is waiting for you with open arms.  As the cliched saying goes, "I can show you the door, but you have to walk through it."  I am only obeying God's command to share the wonderful news that He has given me with you.  I have no idea whether you will accept Christ or not.  Perhaps it'll take a few months.  Maybe it'll take a few years.  I have no clue.  But I'm just letting you know that the offer is out there.  It's up to you to accept or decline.  But He is patient.  Therefore, I will also be patient.   

Reading my own words in 2011, I am quite embarrassed by my naivete.  But one thing I can say without shame is that everything I said genuinely came from the heart.  I felt that I had done the right thing and prayed that the Holy Spirit would speak to K.  Unfortunately, I would be profoundly disappointed:  

K:  Before I go any further I want to make sure that you understand I am not condemning your faith or in any way meaning to discount it. Everything you've said has been very respectful and I just want you to know that I do respect you and what you believe.

These are the same things that I have been told my entire life and frankly, they aren't good enough. "God said so" got me thrown out of church when I was little. It just wasn't the answer I wanted. I'm not looking for a reason to not believe. I'm [desperately] searching for just the opposite.

I just want to know what's out there.     

Confusion took over.  She had declined so decisively without hesitation.  What else can I---or should I--- do in this situation?  Do I press further?  Or would that be too much for someone in K's situation?  I became desperate:  


Me:  Would it help if we were to discuss God objectively?  Maybe the problem is that I'm trying to use the "God said so" approach when the Bible has no authority for those who don't believe (e.g. I can try to argue with a nonbeliever using the Bible as my source but it'd be useless because the Bible is not a reliable source for him).  I think that talking about the issue of God while assuming a neutral stance (non-christian) might be a better approach in this case.  Would you like to continue that way?       

K:  I don't know Mike. I know this must be frustrating for you. And I thank you for your patience. I just don't know. I'm willing to try most anything.

I didn't know what to do.  While I had been reading a book by an "atheist-turned-Christian" author Lee Strobel, who attempts to establish the historicity of the Bible, I knew I was still relatively unfamiliar with the matter and not confident in my ability to argue logically and philosophically from a secular point of view.  Furthermore, I wasn't even sure whether engaging in such a debate-like conversation would even be contextually appropriate given K's situation.  I promised to get back to her after taking some time to sort out my thoughts during the Christmas season.

More to come in the next entry...

P.S.  I recently got back in touch with K and asked her where she is in her life now.  Ironically enough, she continued soul searching after our correspondence in 2006 and actually ended up embracing her own interpretation of the Christian faith in the October of 2008 (I went in the opposite direction and ended up becoming an agnostic atheist a few months before).  In her words:  

K:  To reconcile my father's struggles in his life and how they affected mine, I've adopted a much older view of heaven, hell, and the "hierarchy of goodness" that the world seem to want to impose. I believe in Lucifer, but that he is a fallen angel who was not banished to the underworld, but resigned to the lower tiers of Heaven, and turned away from the face of God. I do not believe my father to be bound to the same fate but is somewhere in the middle having struggled, but believed all along. I believe that all faiths are struggling towards the same understanding, the same God. This is why I generally speak of "god, with a lower case g" because I do not purport to believe that my understanding is better than yours or anyone else's. 

I'm proud of the person I am, the faith I've embraced, and the fact that I have no regrets about any of it.      

She no longer attends the church that she used to go to---because of certain differences in spiritual viewpoint---but it seems that she has found some sort of closure and meaning, even if what she believes in does not necessarily line up neatly with the views of mainstream Christianity.  I am glad she found an answer for herself.  Though I do not agree with her views, I respect the fact that she has reached a conclusion after careful contemplation, not as a result of blind faith.